


Even if I wanted to come back, I couldn’t

by RinaAngstChan



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Gen, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-13 00:54:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29020044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RinaAngstChan/pseuds/RinaAngstChan
Summary: Please be patient, written by not a native, may content some mistakes!Ava discovered that she’s a clone, and it’s not easy to handle. Last time she’s kinda depressed, but now, when she’s sittinf in her bathroom all alone, that lil sad mood grows to a real suicide attempt and anxious thoughts.
Kudos: 1





	Even if I wanted to come back, I couldn’t

**Author's Note:**

> I haven’t written any fics for a while, so that one may be really bad. Sorry

Ava was sitting on the cold bathroom floor, shaking hard. Her eyes almost closed dangerously sleepy. Everything around her messy: bloody sink, a shattered whiskey bottle near her legs, a really bad blood smell all around the apartment.

She could’ve never thought of her sitting like this, a moment away from death.  
Ava was suffering so much that she even thought it would be okay to end this all now. Despair, heavy thoughts, everlasting pain. Even if she dies, there would be an another clone of her to replace her instantly.

She was really a cut away from decease. Her hands were nothing more than a bloody mess now. There were no bright skin area. Everything was red and Ava enjoyed it. She felt some kind of a psycho satisfaction from pushing herself into this pain. Now she felt enough. She didn’t know what to do. She could’ve written to Sara, but she doesn’t love her, Ava knew for sure. Because in the end, she’s just a faceless clone. All her emotions are fabricated, and how can a living human fall for her?  
But are those clones, programmed for being ideal women, supposted to hurt theirselves, like she does now?

Sharpe didn’t know. And she never wanted to think about that. Knowing she’s one of them by itself already brought her a lot of suffering.

“One more cut, one more time I run that razor over my skin, and it’s all done. No Sara, no legends, no more pain. Sara can just take an another one, ideal, really good Ava, not that broken Sharpe she knows for now. I think she can handle it”

“I’m such a weak mess” — she said to herself, “Am I even able to make that final step?  
I can finally be free soon. I can finally spare everyone from standing me”

You can do this, Ava.  
But first, I think, I should leave Sara a text message. Even if she doesn’t give a fuck about me... we were together fighting with some of our common shit. She was my support for a while. I think I should say her goodbye at least.

I wiped my fingers, ‘cause they were bloody too, and started typing:  
“Look, Sara, I am very sorry. I wish you to find your real happiness in life. Now I’m leaving. Thank you for being on my side for an amount of time, I really appreciate it. Have fun with the legends. I would’ve loved you all with my whole heart If I’ve ever had one. Anyways, what’s the sence in farewell, when you’re not talking to a real person? I should’ve asked you, but now I won’t ever do that. Please take care of yourself. Love, one of twelve Ava clones.”

Duh, even my farewell message is dumb. I hate it, i hate my body so fucking much. I am not real. Sara doesn’t even feels anything. Nothing is real, there is no time, there is no me at all! It’s all a daydream, it’s a lie, I know. But why do I go through all this pain if I’m fake? Was it Ray’s purpose to make me suffer? Or I’m just broken?

I don’t know what did Ray want. But I know one thing: I still have a little power to hold the razor. One cut and my fake life ends.

Hurry up!

Yeah, okay. I also wanna end this all.

One second later I’m gonna kill myself. I’m strong enough to do this. I want this all to end, I swear.

1,

2,

3...

The razor blade cut my whole forearm, from elbow to wrist. It was probably the biggest cut I’ve made today. Luckily, it was also the last. I’ve started crying anxiously as the blade fell of my hand and the blood started dripping hard.

“Sara, I’m sorry... please take an another one copy if I hurt you”

My tears created a curtain and I cannot see anything.  
I felt that it was right what I’ve done a moment ago. Everything’s gonna end now.

I’ve lost about a liter of blood already, but my previous cuts weren’t as big as the last one. So, from that one my blood flew like water. I started feeling extremely sleepy and sick within 30 seconds after the final step. I just wanna sleep...

_Hey, you, wake up!_

_Ava, please! Ava! Stay with me, don’t close your eyes!_

...I’m sorry...

_No!! You can’t leave me like that! Please stay alive, don’t worry about the cuts, we’re gonna deal with it, but don’t you dare close your eyes! Aves, dear, come back to me! I need you, I need you, I need you!_

...I really wanted you to stop me, I never wished to leave you, really...

_Her eyes don’t open! Gary, call an ambulance!_

_Director Sharpe, why did you do that? Now we can only hope that you’re alive, and you know, it’s a torture to don’t know if our assumptions are true or false!_

_Ava, come back to us! Why would you leave?! What did we miss?! Why didn’t we notice you feeling so bad earlier! Oh my god..._

_Catch her, catch her!!_   
  


_Ava’s right there, please hurry up!! Her life is in a big danger! We hope on you!!!_

_Ava, wake up, honey. I’ve made you some banana pancakes, they’re at home, waiting for us. You love them, don’t you?! And I’ve prepared everything for us to come home... You just need to wake up! Please, I beg you! I love you, Ava, DON’T LEAVE US!_

_What the heck are you doing?!_

_Let me at least cry on her!!! Go fuckin’ away! Can’t you see I’m busy?! Get out!!! Get out before the ambulance gets here!!!! I don’t wanna see any of you now, please! Let me see Ava one more time!!_

_Are you breathing?!!! Ava please DON’T SAY YOU HAVE NO BREATH!!! BABY PLEASE BREATHE, WE ALREADY STOPPED THE BLOOD, PLEASE, FIGHT, YOU CAN HANDLE IT, I’M SURE! JUST STAY WITH ME, I’M BEGGING, DON’T-_

...Sorry, Sara, it’s too late. Even if i wanted to come back, I couldn’t. Now you just have to entrust my body to the eternal rest...

_Doctor, how is she?!_

_I think you didn’t even have to call the ambulance. She’s already dead. She’s lost too much blood. I’m sorry._

...I’m sorry too...


End file.
